(Don’t) Call Me

Have you ever wondered what to do with those numbers in your phone for people you never want to speak to again? You know the ones I’m talking about. That creepy guy you gave your number to before you knew he was going to text you 40 times a day. Or what about that guy that took you out and tried to grab your boob on the first date? And then there’s the one that broke your heart.

You don’t want to answer the phone when they call but you would also prefer not to look at them in your address book. I wondered about this when I noticed the ratio of numbers I don’t want to call was closing in on the ones that I do. So I asked around and got some tips from my girlfriends. There is really no perfect solution once the deed is done, but here are a few that I’ve tried. I hope this helps…

1)    Just delete the number. If you don’t recognize it, don’t answer it. That seems like a good idea, but there is just too much room for error. Maybe you gave your number to someone you actually want to talk to. What if you are interviewing for a job? You may want to answer the phone but you know the minute you do, you are talking to the psycho that wanted to marry you after the first date.

2)    The DNA list. DO NOT ANSWER. You can have DNA1, DNA2 etc. This idea is also good, but the female curiosity is too much. We HAVE to know who that is! Is that the boob guy, or was it the old guy that bought me a drink and wouldn’t leave until I gave him my number? The pressure is too much. You’ll cave and answer eventually. Don’t deny it.

3)    My personal favorite is to label each loser with their own description of why you hate them. Instead of a call from Joe, you’ll get “You’re too good for him”. And of course the “Grabby” guy. This idea is great, but being female, the descriptions tend to get long. “He made me cry and said he hates my mother. I hope he dies. Asshole.” Use this one at your discretion.

I currently have all three going. Sometimes I even leave the real names in there, just in case. Maybe he was nicer than I remember. I might give him a second chance. If he calls…

This is not my beautiful husband…

Scenario: The guy you’ve been talking to online has suggested a date. Plans were made and tonight’s the night. Somehow he’s made it through the grueling wink/email phase and the awkward first phone call to get to this moment. Common sense tells you to keep expectations low, but as the time gets closer they continue to rise. There is a chance this could be the one THE ONE! Palms are sweating. Shake it off, there’s work to do.

So there we are… Hair. Check. Makeup. Check. Outfit. HOT. Let’s go. You arrive at the agreed upon location and nervously look around for the guy who by now could be your future husband…

There’s a tap on the shoulder. Who the fuck is this old, fat guy that looks like he could be the father of my dream man from the internet? He lied! Activate escape plan now! You are just too nice to  say “Hey jerk I’m out of here” so you try to leave as politely as possible.

If you were planning ahead (as I learned the hard way), you picked a place you know well, close to home  and very safe. Bonus if you know some of the staff. This helps in the end if things get dicey. Follow these  steps to create your get-away plan:

1) Immediately lay the groundwork for your escape. You could be distracted by incessant (made up) emergency calls that need your attention, or you can start yawning and talking about how hard your day was and you really shouldn’t be out on a week night. Don’t lay it on too thick, but start immediately!

2) If you have not pre-arranged a phone call from a friend just in case, a trip to the ladies room may be in order to set one up ASAP.

3) Upon your return start explaining the reason for the phone call distraction. No details. Just, “it looks like there is something going on and they need me at work”, or “my friend called and I was supposed to be there today instead of tomorrow”. Whatever. He knows you’re lying but will probably not argue because then he would be calling you a liar to your face (Liar). But he’s one too since he doesn’t look a thing like his photo, so don’t sweat it.

4) If he acts like a gentleman and does not call you out as a liar, apologize profusely for the sudden departure and even offer to pick up part or all, of the tab if drinks were ordered. He’ll most likely get it, but be prepared.

5) If he is a jerk and calls you out, retreat to the ladies room again explaining about your tiny bladder, but instead head for a door (this is where knowing the staff comes in handy)… and RUN! You are close to home and he should NOT know where you live. (but drive around the block a couple of times just in case!).

He’s clearly not the one and you can move on. You’ve learned that next time you will be even more prepared for a bad date.  That sounds depressing, but you’ll keep going, because one day you may really be meeting The One!